I fell In Love (maybe)…
The feelings of love tend to confuse me a lot. I leave this to my mind and emotions trying to reconcile what is best for me at the stage I am with the place I want to be.
The soft, warm feeling that leave you giddy and all mush and giggling is indeed beautiful. It feels like you can relax and be vulnerable in the arms of one you feel understands you and you feel safe.
Then my mind reminds me to look out for red flags or pay attention to potential aspects of this person that I might not be able to live with in the long run.
When I’m in my feelings, its easy to live in the clouds and ignore all these but what happens when just like a sweet fragrance, the feelings wear off.
I fell in love (maybe)… let me explain…
I met someone, it felt like we clicked. I mean everything was right. I find that I love talking in as much I’ve told myself that I’m not good at talking, but I do love a good conversation. And it was a beautiful mix with this person.
The more we conversed, the deeper I fell, the more I felt I could freely be with this person. We do have some disagreements here and there, however, everything was alright. And it also seemed like it was the same on his end.
We met, had a good time with each other. And then everything in my head went south.
The conversation reduced and reduced and reduced. On my end, I felt he was drawing back. Still in my head, I gave excuses on why it is so. I hadn’t come to terms that the person I liked might air me. Whenever the thoughts of such possibility runs through my head, I feel my heart clench and I shake my head as if that will shake off the thoughts.
For the longest time, I didn’t mention the disconnect and I started finding myself drawing back as well, I started feeling as if I can’t trust him with my feelings and that moved onto not being able to tell him things that mattered to me anymore. I kept my distance as well.
One day, I realised we hadn’t spoken in over a month, I reached out to him and shared my thoughts on the current situation, and his response was that he was busy and his mind was in weird place. It was then I figured that it was time to let go and come to full terms of the current situation.
It hurt. It hurt quite a lot. I didn’t understand why it did. All I know is this pain in my heart as it clenches.
I wondered how did we go from talking everyday, even planning to see again, to totally not talking to each other again.
So yeah, I fell in love (maybe)…
I’m currently in the process of healing. Coming to terms that the person I like aired me.
I wrote this because I want to ease these rampaging thoughts in my head.
I’m still looking for love as a feeling.
But I’m looking for interesting conversations.